My mortality

Every now and then, I think about how we are consumed by our own lives. Time is either a friend or an enemy. When I lay down to sleep each night, I remember what my gradeschool teacher said:
"When you sleep, you are practicing your own death."
I was young and I didn't know what it meant. But now I finally do.
You get to have a taste of what it's like to be numb..
to be helpless.. to be hopeful.
To hope for new day..
hope to have something or someone to wake up to..
hope to have another chance at life.
Time will come when our body is too old and weary to wake up to another day.
What then, will become of us?
That's when we hope for a soul..
that there is something to look forward to beyond our life on earth.
But is there really?

I have read about people who had NDE (near-death-experience).
I was skeptical about it, but it gave me hope.
There was this story about a woman who had a brain surgery.
She knew she died when she felt herself "pop-out" of her body, the moment her life monitor flat-lined. She was hovering above the surgeons who were frantically trying to save her life. She was aware of what was happening as she looked at the familiar faces of the doctors and nurses. She can see how one nurse was complaining about how something that won't stop bleeding, and how one surgeon took something that look like an electric tootbrush to her head.
Suddenly, everything went dark. She found herself walking through a dark tunnel and saw light at the end of it. She didn't know why, but she felt so much love and happiness that she wanted to cry. When she was near the light, she saw her friends and relatives who passed away, waiting for her, waving and smiling. One of them stepped closer and told her that it is not yet her time. She didn't want to leave, but suddenly felt she was being sucked back by the darkness, and felt herself splash on ice cold water. The surgeons did it, they saved her life. Her life monitor started beeping again and all organ functions returned to normal. A few weeks after her operation, she told the doctors about her experience. Some of them concluded it was only because the brain was needing more oxygen and that hallucinations were bound to happen. But when they traced back the moment her "hallucinations" were happening, they found out that she was clinically dead. Meaning, it was impossible that she could have had these hallucinations when there was no brain activity during that time. She told the doctors what she saw when she had the out-of-body experience. It turned out, that the nurse did complain about one of the veins in the patient's brain that wouldn't stop bleeding. The electric toothbrush she saw was the small hacksaw the surgeon was using to cut a part of her skull. How could she have known these,when at that time, she was announced dead?

Now, isn't it hope giving you goosebumps right now?
Memories might be the only things we can take with us in the next life.
Cry.
Laugh.
Live.
Love.
Cherish.
Remember..
..and live again.

My Buddy

This is my friend..
My loyal companion..
My giggles and wet kisses..
Can you find her?

Today I took her to the vet. She didn't know what was going on so she stayed quiet on the doctor's table. I tried to hold her while the doctor took some blood..
she cried..
and even while I was holding her, she trembled in fear.
For such a small dog, they needed so much blood.
I let the assistant take her while I stayed in the waiting room..
I was so sure I was going to faint had I not sitten down.
It was hot inside the clinic but the sweat on my skin was cold.
The doctor said I have to leave her overnight so she can observe what's wrong with her.
I know she's going to be fine..
but I feel so helpless.
When I left the clinic, I gave her a big hug and she looked at me straight in the eye.
I gave her a longing look..hoping she can understand that I don't want to leave her but have to.
But She gave me a look that I knew meant,
"come back for me tomorrow,ok?"

My Guilty Pleasure

Some will find it odd..
Some will find it fascinating..
Some will find it incredible..

I lock my door..
turn off the light..
take off my clothes..
and have myself a good cry..

A cry for no reason..
A cry to find reasons..
A cry for all the reasons..

It is a moment when I am both happy and sad..
a moment when I take life's essence and fill my heart with emotions..
Always searching for an answer that hasn't been pondered by my senseless thoughts.
It is tiring..
and yet..
relief starts to overflow from that last drop of tear.
every aching part of my body starts to fade away..
and new kinds of feelings start to well up..
courage..
strength..
hope..
happiness..
like spring time after the cold winter.

And all of a sudden..
that slice of chocolate cake sounds yummy..
A big *sigh*..
A big smile..
A good stretch..
And a little prayer for the finale..

"Thank you Lord for a very nice day!"

My Temper

When you have a crappy day, your personalized therapy is:
stuffing yourself with pizza or ice cream..
throwing anything fragile across the room..
driving around town so you can honk your horn all the way back...
pounding your fists on someone's chest..
sigh and stare at the ceiling 'til you fall asleep..
Whatever it is, it may not work on me.
you'll shed blood trying to calm me down..
well..maybe just a few scratches and a broken eardrum.
Nasty..uh-huh..
That was how I used to be..
until I met the person who changed my life.
Ok, so maybe i still get moody at times, but i'm much calmer now.
When i'm really hot in the face but want to control myself, i look at the trees and watch them sway gently from the wind. Something about the rustling of the leaves relaxes my mind and eases my body tension. Or maybe it soothes me at the sight of something strong allow itself to be moved by the wind. At night, It helps too to watch the moon just shine and break through the darkness. Even when it's not as bright as the sun, or as many as the stars, it still radiates a humble, yet wondrous glow. As if to say: I am alone in the dark, like you are when you're sad, and there's no one to cheer you up. I borrow light from the sun,like you borrowed life from the Lord. But I give what i receive, like you.. when your loved, and you love them back. Sometimes I hide behind the clouds, like you when you're upset or insecure. You want to be alone, but you still want to know that you're not. That's why I am here.

But still...
the best comfort...
the best therapy...
the best you're-not-alone..
the best you-are-loved..

...is a warm hug from the people you truly care about.

My Faith

This is a picture that i got from my e-mail. It was taken from a hubble telescope, and
NASA calls it the "Eye of God".

Have you ever tried looking up at the sky one night, and find yourself talking to the wind? A time when your mind is empty and it just drifts through the infinity of the universe?
Isn't it amazing how you don't seem to get tired of just looking at something that resembles sugar sprinkles on the sky? Have you ever wondered if heaven was somewhere beyond the stars?

When I was in highschool, my bestfriend and I were sitting on the campus grounds to watch the sun set. She pointed to the sky and said, "doesn't that cloud look like the Gate of heaven? The sun is almost hidden behind it, but you can see the golden lining that seems to suggest that it is open for angels to come and go as they please."
I smiled..thinking of how heaven would look like. I pictured it with rainbows and flowers and all sorts of creatures floating around a pearly white castle.
But I guess I'll never know until that day..

I rarely go to church, and i rarely make the sign of the cross. But I am a believer. People often base God by books or by what other people say. I base Him by my feelings, by what I experience with his gift- my life. I learned from school that the bible was inspired by God, that He was the author.That because of supernatural powers, humans were impelled to write the sacred book.I learned in the church that God is good. But you know what? I realized that people can try to convince you of something, but it won't really work if you're just not open. Faith is not something that can be taught, it is something that you have to experience for yourself. A need to feel pain in order to know joy, a need to fail to taste the sweetness of success, a need to suffer in order to believe. God is everywhere, so how can people base Him by only what they see or hear about Him? His temple is not the church, but in the hearts of all living things.

So where is heaven? Up there? I don't think so, 'coz God won't be looking down upon us like some kind of an experiment. I believe heaven is where our hearts are. Where He can feel our joy, our sadness, our need for Him to be with us, always. He resides in every sweat, and tear, and beat of our hearts..'til that moment when we can be with Him again.

Now, isn't it funny how I can't talk to the president..
.. but I can talk to God?

My course & my curse

What do people normally do after college? For some of my friends, the answer was easy: work in a call center. I know everyone has at least someone they know who works in the telecom industry. It would be fun earning those few extra moolah, but with my temper, I could easily have a heart attack answering complaint calls. Some have learned how to deal with pesky callers, and I admire them for their courage. Like my brother's friend, who delights in blowing on the mouthpiece of the phone and apologizing to the caller for having "technical difficulty". And my friend's sister who would put the caller on hold, shout curses from her guts, and thank the caller for waiting. Better the CC than a bum they say. Oh yeah. Sure.

What i'm doing now?
Right now I am preparing for the board exam scheduled this october. I'm an Interior Designer."What?Designers have a board exam?!" Yup. FAQ to me. You see, the common misconception of people who are uh-uh is that Interior Designers and Interior Decorators are one and the same. Nop nop. We don't just study colors and furniture styles..Designers are usually educated like architects and engineers. For decorators, well, that's where your curtain-maker,furniture-maker, etc. etc. comes in. My dentist was actually shocked to find me reading about plumbings and electrical plans while drilling on my teeth. "isn't that the job of the architect or the electrician?" well, yes and no. Yes, the architects and other "highly regarded professions" specializes in these. And no, because designers are required to learn them too because most of the time, they follow the original plans that the designer layouts for them. Sometimes its annoying that some architects actually belittle the designers "shooing" them away from construction sites,thinking they know it all. But look at it this way, the designers are like the sahog in your pancit, and the architects are the pancit. Of course you can do without the sahog but the sahog can't do without the pancit, but without one or the other, it isn't a good pancit at all. But together, sarap! Unfortunately these days, it's common to leave out the designer and just hire an architect and an engineer. Sob. It's ok, the sahog is masarap din naman alone pang ulam ahh. But let me tell you, my degree is Bachelor of Science in Interior Design. Why isn't it called Bachelor of Arts? Go figure.As of this moment, I'm worried about earning my license, or else that 5yrs of work in college won't amount to anything.Now leave me alone, I still have to study how much concrete i need in a 12sqm room...

If you ever need a designer, email me. *grin*

My Happiness

Finally, i'm done with crying.
I used to sit on the cold floor of my bedroom balcony..
wondering..
just making sense of everything that should be left misunderstood.
I made one wish..
I didn't know the stars would grant it to me..
but that wish came true one day..
and it made me smile..
suddenly, life became clearer..
I wouldn't say easier..
but much more meaningful.
I realized, that when you find your purpose..
It is easier to make decisions and go on with your life the way you want it.
It's like when you have something to hope for..
when you believe in something..
It keeps you alive. It makes your existence worthwhile.



My guy, my love, my life.
gentle and kind, loving and true, the warmest heart i know.
My courage, my hope, my strength,
my energy when i'm at my low.
Always my angel, always my light,
always the reason i pray to God each night:
"You know what i wish for him, I don't have to tell..
but just in case, keep him safe, happy and well.
Bless him and guide him, and all those people he loves.
Thank you Lord... for this gift of love."